Reflection

I have been reflecting this evening, not deliberately, maybe randomly reflecting is a better term.  It occured to me this evening, watching the news, seeing a beautiful sunset, how incredibly blessed I am, or at least I feel that I am.  With all the tragedy in the world, there is still so much to be grateful for, so many beautiful people, so many new experiences to be had, friends to share with, family to connect with, so much to look  forward to. 

My children are both young, healthy adults.  Each of them growing in their own way, finding new experiences to explore, sharing life with friends and loved ones.  My beautiful Grandbaby is full of life and love and happiness.  She can bring a smile to my face on the darkest of days.  The man in my life is incredibly kind, gentle and loving.  He brings so much joy and laughter into my world.  I cannot imagine feeling more content.  It is an amazing feeling, it puts a smile on my face.  And, I love smiling!  But you know what I love more?  When I suddenly realize that I have a smile on my face without thinking about it.  Actually, it isn't even a smile at all, but more of a grin.  Where suddenly I realize I am grinning like a fool, for no reason except that life is beautiful, the people I share my life with are gifts, and I am truly happy.

I will spend this weekend with Pete and his family celebrating the life of his Grandmother (Beulah Crabtree), who passed away earlier this week.  Knowing his family, there will be just as much laughter as there will be grief.  They will celebrate Beulah's life and her memory with lots of love, lots of stories and lots of respect.  It is also a weekend that will bring a little stress to my world.  Pete and I spent some of our childhood growing up together.  I know his parents, his sister, I knew his grandparents.  My sister and brother grew up with his aunts and his uncle.  But this weekend I will meet for the first time, his younger brother and his son.

Do you ever feel like you have it all? I hope everyone, at some point, says to themselves "wow, this is great, I am happy!" I wake up everyday, happy, grateful, appreciative of all that I am, and all of those that I share my life with.

A man I adore, children who light my world, a granddaughter that brings such joy. As media portrays violence, hatred, racism. I see kindness, love, connection.

I am grateful for all I am, all I have, and most importantly all I love.

A Fresh Start

It has taken me 47 years and eleven months to figure out who I am, what I am, where I am.  I’ll be 48 in two weeks.

The journey has been long, and has been enlightening, it has been painful, harsh at times, and has had much joy, and happiness at other times.  But it isn’t until the past few months, that I have truly felt blessed, felt at peace, felt that I know who I am and am content.

This transition, or transformation, has come with some pain, not only to myself but to others.  But if I did not make this change, I would have suffocated, drowned, in the despair I was feeling.  I made a decision, that affected many.  Some feel it was selfish, but in all honesty it was self preservation, maybe that is selfish, I guess I really don’t know.  As a result, there was growth—emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically.  As a result, I believe I am a better person, stronger person, more generous person.

Much of my final healing process is due to a few people.  My children, who have offered love, support, understanding through a difficult time, where I should have held them up, they held me up;  a friend struggling with life long illness who continues to inspire me with her words, her attitude, her generosity, her faith, her love; an old friend, rediscovered, who turns out to be a new love—kind, generous, caring, gentle.  I am not underestimating the power of my other friends, family and neighbors, who have been supportive, caring, and open to the changes I have made—could not have done this without them. 

Too many of us go through life not extending a hand, not noticing a sorrow, I am happy to say I have many in my life that do not fall in that category.  I hope I do not fall in that category. 

Whether it’s the blink of an eye, a smile on your face, your hand brushing against a cheek, or a warm embrace, reach out, touch someone.  It appears to me, that is what is missing from today is too many of us are caught up in our own sorrow and not looking beyond ourselves, not seeking more, not feeling the true happiness that is within reach.   When we look beyond our own grief, our own loss, we can truly be content, at peace, happy.  And we hold the power to pass that on.